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A reflective and end longing,weary old man recently told me that there are a
few things that I would be well to understand about those oft considered
magical beasts who have been granted almost mythic proportions when mentioned together and known collectively as'the birds and the bees'.For one,a bee will sting you and that stinger contains a substance that is toxic to your
system and has even been known to kill in certain extreme cases.Bees seem to
try and make up for this by providing a heavenly nectar known as honey but,as
you will find out,given time,anything that tastes that sweet can't be good for
you,even in moderation.It can and will rot your teeth,cause any number of
internal organs and operations to go awry and ultimately kill you just as sure
as the poisoned stinger.It is also highly addictive.Once you've tasted it,there
is always a craving for more,no matter how dire the consequences.
As far as the birds go,once you get past their facade of cheery morning songs
and gleeful flights,the true beasts that they are will come to be seen.First
and foremost,they shit where they eat.In fact,they will shit just about
anywhere the urge hits them.Over the years they have also developed the uncanny ability to know what you value most and desecrate it at the exact moment that you feel most at ease.In addition,once you have heard all of their seemingly innocuous love songs,they soon resort to a most insufferable infernal racket that can only be compared to the insidious drone of police sirens and car
alarms.This cacaphony will ultimately lead to a madness beyond even the best
and most professional pharmaceutical repair.
As he said these last few words,he paused to light up a cigarette.I decided to
take the opportunity to ask him how he'd managed to survive all of these long
years without falling victim to these terrible creatures.He simply looked back
at me and held up a single finger asking me to wait a moment.He reached into
his pocket and pulled out a hearing aid.He inserted it into the ear closest to
me and said,"I've been married for 35 years and to this day,the wife has no
idea that I'm almost completely deaf...."he snickered a little and brought his
hand to his mouth.At that point he took out his complete set of false teeth and
smiled a hideously gummy smile at me."I speak from experience my young friend..."followed by a full on cough inducing
cackle,"some things are worth losing a little bit of yourself over...".

Ever have one of those mornings,where you wake up right before the alarm
decides it's time to rip you away from that happy place where you're just
about to seal the deal with that hot piece of ass that you usually don't
get,even in your dreams,to find that you are in your own bed,not entirely
disoriented or miles away from any semblance of reality,as you sit up and
pull your pants on you feel the knot of cash still in your pocket that you'd
left your house with the night before and your car keys in the other,walk
in to the kitchen to the scent of freshly brewing coffee even though you
don't have even the slightest memory of setting the timer or filling it
with coffee for that matter,the dog sitting calmly by the door waiting for
you to take him out instead of having created a minefield on the kitchen
floor to remind you that he doesn't have opposable thumbs,the daily paper
waiting on the stoop,wrapped in pristine plastic,early enough to read with
that morning cup,and then noticing that it's still dark enough outside for
your hot new neighbor to have had to have left the lights on,during her
early morning nearly nude workout in front of the window,who's blinds she'd
somehow managed to forget to close,rendering you virtually invisible to
enjoy the show and thank the gods for giving you the good sense to have
chosen,as a pet,the one animal that needs to be taken outside to do his
business,no matter what godforsaken time of the day it is,and then to look
over at the onset of that oh-god-I-need-a-cigarette-why-did-I-quit nicotine
fit and see that 'last pack' that you'd tossed out the window three long days
ago just sitting within easy reach,the matches still stuck in the plastic
sleeve......Have you ever had one of those days??Well,I have....a million
times...and then I usually wake up,late again,because the alarm didn't work
or maybe I just didn't set it,I rush around trying to find my pants,pray that
my keys are in them,that the car is at least within walking distance and will
actually start,that I have enough money left from the madness of the night
before to stop somewhere for a coffee because as I am inevitably racing thru
the kitchen trying desperately to locate my shoes I slide through a fresh pile
of the dog's finest moments and crash headlong into the counter where the
coffee maker that hasn't worked right since the day I bought the damned thing
sits like a time bomb waiting to explode,to end up lying on the floor,covered
in a glorious mixture of blood,glass,coffee grounds and dog shit only to look
up in time to see my hot near naked neighbor looking in with one of those 'you
fucking pervert,you'd crawl through dog shit to get a look at this wouldn't
you' looks on her face just before she flips me off and slams the blinds
shut....so,yeah...have a nice fucking day....

Life is hilarious and terrifying at the same time.